2.5 years of waiting. 2.5 years of anticipation.

2.5 years of envisioning our fur baby addition. 

In 2022 we went to an event called dogs with jobs. We went just to see Audrey light up around the dogs but while we were there we were approached by an organization. They saw Audrey’s reaction and excitement and began to tell us why she would be a perfect fit.

I came home that day at started the applications process. 

In the following year or so I did paperwork, interviews and finally we got to go check out the campus last April. There we were introduced to a mock day of what training would look like. We passed that final interview and were told that it would be our time late 2024.

Flash forward to this September. I got THE phone call that said our training date was set for October. We accepted and started to prepare to be away from our home for the duration of the two intense weeks of training. As you can imagine, lots of planning occurred but even more when you have a family like ours. Accommodations for Audrey were set in place, my husband took the time off work, we arranged my mom to come and help a few days as well. Lots to consider but we were ready to go, excited and a bit overwhelmed!

No matter how much we prepare though, the challenges of this life always seem to win.

The weekend we were set to leave, Audrey started to show signs of being sick. My anxiety quickly kicked into gear knowing how important these next two weeks would be. I reached out to the coordinators and was assured that as long as I was able to start, she could join in once she was feeling more herself. 

I had almost 2 full days of training away from Matt and Audrey. It was hard being away especially knowing she was sick but I was already learning so much and falling in love with these dogs. I couldn’t wait to see which one we would be matched with!

To my surprise yesterday afternoon I was pulled into a room and told that due to Audrey’s lack of interaction with the dogs, we would not be able to have a successful match. 

I was stunned. My heart broke. How would I explain this to my girl? We had been hyping this up for so long and my worst fear for this experience had come true.

Many tears later, I packed up all of our things and made the long drive home. 

We are feeling such a loss and so much sadness grieving this dog we were going to bring home and make part of our family at the end of next week.

These dogs are truly special and I know that our lives would be better with it. Our family isn’t quite complete… and we are left with a void. 

Right now I’m not focused on next steps since we are still processing it all. But I can’t even describe the frustration and distress this has put on all of us. 

Our family has made it through worse and we will be okay but damn, what a let down. 

We will continue to #KickCASK because that is what we have to do. 

If you don’t hear from me as much, this is the reason why. 

Today I took Audrey to get fitted for a new wheelchair. We have had a lot of adaptive equipment for her over the years but not yet this specific type.This comes with many mixed emotions for me. On one hand, I’m thrilled to have something to bring with me to appointments and outings that isn’t as big and bulky as our current adaptive stroller. Another bonus is that this will allow her to be able to use it more in public. We can attach a tray which will be useful in restaurants, something we currently struggle with since she’s too long for the high chairs that are provided!

On the other hand, each one of these appointments are like a reality check to me. I know the life we live but afternoons like these really magnify the fact that we are getting deeper into the world of disability.

If you watch us on social media, you may wonder why we are wanting this chair for Audrey. Due to her low muscle tone, she fatigues quickly these days despite always wanting to move. My hope is that she learns that her chair can be used to help her, letting her body rest when she needs it. Audrey is growing taller and too heavy for me to carry around these days. I knew it was coming but can’t believe we are here already. Our reality is something I never could have imagined. These past few months, there has been quite a bit of loss and hard times within our CASK community. This hits hard and way too close to home.

The world seems to keep moving in a way that we just keep falling more and more behind in. Accommodations are harder to come by and there are few scenarios where disability isn’t screaming at the top of its lungs.

I feel like I have grown so much in acceptance this past year but grief always finds a way in and usually at an inconvenient time.

I think the hardest part still though is the lack of communication. It’s hard to know how much of this world Audrey gets but I know she sure has a lot to say about it. I continue to try to make sure her voice is heard but it doesn’t seem to be much of a win lately. There has been lots of frustration for both of us, especially during school breaks.

I always try to end these updates with some positives so here we go :

-The special needs moms I have met this past year across the globe are inspirational people that I admire and truly can’t imagine my life without them now!

-I am attending my first ever special needs mom retreat this coming May which I am very much looking forward to!

-We are headed in the right direction to getting Audrey her therapy dog. We have one last interview this coming April and then should know when we will get a dog after that!

-Last but not least is the possibility of a wonderful school program Audrey may get to attend next year. It’s still in the works and honestly seems too good to be true so keep all the positive vibes coming our way in hopes that it becomes our reality!

CASK seems to be kicking us down a bit lately but we will continue to get back up one day at a time!